Monthly Archives: December 2011

Sometimes Everclear – Like a Laxative – is a Fine Wine Substitute

What does it take to unblock a writer?   A really strong laxative, Everclear and a crazy (nearly retarded) bad date. Wine? Not this time.  I don’t know how well this will translate, but if you know me at all, I think you’ll get it.

Two words: Oh fuck.

Date: Blind. He is not blind, nor am I.  But we have not met before.

Tone: Awkward from the moment he arrives.

First topic: Wine

Him: Well, I don’t know a lot about wine.

Me: Here taste this. It’s an Oregon Pinot and an Italian Schiava.

Him: They’re really good.  Why don’t you order me something.  Whatever you think I’d like.  The price doesn’t matter.  No really, it doesn’t.  I mean really, go ahead and get whatever you want. (I paid for the drinks.)

Second:  Where do you travel for work?

Me: Well, I went to Arkansas this summer.

Him: Oh, Little Rock; I love Little Rock

Me: No, I didn’t go to Little Rock. I went to a little…..

Him: I love it there. I could live there

Me: Yah, I didn’t go to Little Rock. I was in…..

Him: Little Rock is cool, I could live there

Me: Yah…. I didn’t go to Little Rock.

Him: But I’ve never been to Vegas.

Me: Yah, that’s a shame. I think you might like it.

Third: Still travel

Him: I’ve never been to Europe. I’m saving that trip for someone special, cause I don’t want to go alone.

Me: Oh you should just go. I’m leaving Thursday for Amsterdam.

Him: You mean you’re getting on a plane?

Me: Yes, in fact I am.

Him: To Austria?

Me: No, but good guess.

Him: Wait, where did you say? Is that a country?

Me:  I’m going to Amsterdam, which is not a country.

Him: Yah, I wanna go to Australia.  Spend a week or so there.  Do you go to Europe a lot? Like when was the last time you were there

Me: I was there in October.

Him: Are you someone’s mistress?

Me: Yes

Him: Would you be mine? I mean here, not in Europe.

Me: Oh sweetie, you flatter me.


Him: I like your necklace. It’s not gaudy – you know?

Me: Yah, I do know.  Thank you.

Fourth: Needing to leave immediately

Me: So…. I need to get going. I’m driving to Portland tonight. (Lie.  Kanye West/Jay Z concert in Tacoma will have traffic backed up for miles.  But I’m tempted.)

Him: Oh, Portland, I’ve been there like 20 times.  Love it!

Me: Yah, it’s a cool city. I need to go meet my mom, so I need to get going.  Like now….

Him: Oh…. So are you flying?

Me: Yah…no, I’m dr….. well yes, flying… Portland

Him: Oh, do you have family there?

Me: Ummmm, something like that…

I could not get away fast enough.  I know, some people say that – but really…. NOT FAST ENOUGH.