What does it take to unblock a writer? A really strong laxative, Everclear and a crazy (nearly retarded) bad date. Wine? Not this time. I don’t know how well this will translate, but if you know me at all, I think you’ll get it.
Two words: Oh fuck.
Date: Blind. He is not blind, nor am I. But we have not met before.
Tone: Awkward from the moment he arrives.
First topic: Wine
Him: Well, I don’t know a lot about wine.
Me: Here taste this. It’s an Oregon Pinot and an Italian Schiava.
Him: They’re really good. Why don’t you order me something. Whatever you think I’d like. The price doesn’t matter. No really, it doesn’t. I mean really, go ahead and get whatever you want. (I paid for the drinks.)
Second: Where do you travel for work?
Me: Well, I went to Arkansas this summer.
Him: Oh, Little Rock; I love Little Rock
Me: No, I didn’t go to Little Rock. I went to a little…..
Him: I love it there. I could live there
Me: Yah, I didn’t go to Little Rock. I was in…..
Him: Little Rock is cool, I could live there
Me: Yah…. I didn’t go to Little Rock.
Him: But I’ve never been to Vegas.
Me: Yah, that’s a shame. I think you might like it.
Third: Still travel
Him: I’ve never been to Europe. I’m saving that trip for someone special, cause I don’t want to go alone.
Me: Oh you should just go. I’m leaving Thursday for Amsterdam.
Him: You mean you’re getting on a plane?
Me: Yes, in fact I am.
Him: To Austria?
Me: No, but good guess.
Him: Wait, where did you say? Is that a country?
Me: I’m going to Amsterdam, which is not a country.
Him: Yah, I wanna go to Australia. Spend a week or so there. Do you go to Europe a lot? Like when was the last time you were there
Me: I was there in October.
Him: Are you someone’s mistress?
Him: Would you be mine? I mean here, not in Europe.
Me: Oh sweetie, you flatter me.
Him: I like your necklace. It’s not gaudy – you know?
Me: Yah, I do know. Thank you.
Fourth: Needing to leave immediately
Me: So…. I need to get going. I’m driving to Portland tonight. (Lie. Kanye West/Jay Z concert in Tacoma will have traffic backed up for miles. But I’m tempted.)
Him: Oh, Portland, I’ve been there like 20 times. Love it!
Me: Yah, it’s a cool city. I need to go meet my mom, so I need to get going. Like now….
Him: Oh…. So are you flying?
Me: Yah…no, I’m dr….. well yes, flying…..to Portland
Him: Oh, do you have family there?
Me: Ummmm, something like that…
I could not get away fast enough. I know, some people say that – but really…. NOT FAST ENOUGH.