Vueve is the Lube of Life

imagesI quit my job and am lubing up for a big change. She pours a flute of vivaciousness, and gracefully dangles it between two fingers.  Slowly, she inhales like a drawn-out drag of a cigarette. The sip lingers. Good thing is, the movie just keeps getting better.

Posted by Teri Citterman


Pondering Cruel In the Shower with Wine

Another absurd piece of meat vomit showed up in the world of sensory overload. This week, CNN reported ‘Jury finds Jodi Airas was cruel when she killed her ex-boyfriend.’ This apparently tips her into the possibility of facing the death penalty. You should know I have no intention of pondering beyond the sixty-seven seconds it takes me to write this, but I am just a little curious about when exactly the line between killing and killing someone cruelly gets crossed. So, I have a few questions:

•       If he had been stabbed 27 times, but in the shapes of little stars, could this have been considered less cruel?
•       If she tied a bow around his throat rather than slashed it, could she have avoided the cruel label?
•       Had he been found tucked in his bed instead of slumped in the shower, would cruel have simply been dismissed?

I’m just brainstorming here. But speaking of showers, I just learned I have a girlfriend who SITS in the shower drinking wine, dipping her face in the water 1351130920929_7906279from time to time, pretending she’s in a tropical rain storm. While I consider this unusual, the cruelest part has to be when the shower head goes rogue and sprays into your glass. That would cross my line into some level of cruelty. Bath?


Posted by Teri Citterman

Confrontation & Cabernet…You Decide

When you shoot the guy, who was going to shoot the guy, you’re dying to see dead, all bets are off. Metaphorically speaking, I mean. Confrontation can be a barrel of fun or a pain in the bunghole – just depends whether your glass is half full or half empty. Pause; pour some more. Barons V, 2008 Cabernet Sauvignon imagesis rich and elegant, tangled up in black cherry and black currant, which wrestles gracefully with straps of smoke and leather. This dark red juice knows the rules and the ones it needs to break to get where it’s going; the first rule of Fight Club is you DO NOT talk about Fight Club.

Seriously, who doesn’t know that!

Posted by Teri Citterman

Sipping Naked with Strangers

On the red side of exotic, Belmonte Cellars (formerly Pandora) 2009 Connor’s Blend is a made-for-TV animal. It’s equal parts Petit Verdot and Malbec with a dash of 13359879143482109906794Cabernet Sauvignon to ruffle it up. A ribbon of spice and midnight swirl through the goodness of dark cherry and blueberry, while even tannins switch and swap in a conjecture of a good time not yet had by all. Super exotic? Not exactly. But it is a sexy blend that cocktails the wine up just enough to be sipped naked in a hot tub with strangers. Enjoy!

David Sedaris Killed Billie Holiday

David Sedaris killed Billie Holiday for me. I know I’m not the only one, but since I heard his rendition of Silent Night in ‘Billie Holiday’ style, it’s ruined.  I cannot listen to her screechy, door-creaking voice, even when it really is her. It’s worse when he does the Oscar Mayer Wiener Song. It’s accurate and disturbing.  Dammit! I need a drink.

Fortunately, she sang a song called Lilac Wine, which, if you say out loud, sounds like you’re saying “I Like Wine”, which frankly, I can get on board with. Redemption.

A Favorite Indulgence – Rough Justice

Barrister Winery’s Rough Justice truly is the stage kitten of wine. Breathing gently with black plum boa and dark lace – purring and pleading to be subdued imagesby a swirl of graham cracker pie crust. Rich and jammy, this wine does a little more than suggest you pay attention with shocks of blackberry filling, pasties a-twirling, silky tannins and a drawn-out finish to make any onlooker pretty damn eager to indulge.

One of my favorites…


Posted by Teri Citterman

Wine Gift Idea: A Bottle of ‘Are You F-ing Kidding Me!’

I need to give a gift to my local car dealership. Why?  Let’s just say the best way to convey my message is with a cheap bottle of  ‘Are You F-ing Kidding Me!’  Here’s how it unraveled:

First: we want to buy your car

Him: Hi Teri. This is Sam (not his real name) from Luxury Car Dealership. I see you brought your car in for service in November.

Me: Yes. And actually, the steering is still pulling.

Him: Oh. Well, that’s not why I’m calling. We have a vehicle shortage of your particular model, and I’m wondering if you’d be willing to let us buy it from you.

Me: Um… I’ve only owned it since October, but what the hell?  I am scheduled for an oil change on Saturday at 8:30am. We can discuss it then.

Him: Oh that won’t work. I don’t work until 11.  Can you bring it in this weekend, like tomorrow? Because we may have a buyer (said with great urgency).

Me:  Well… (let me try and accommodate your work schedule, Sam….But, admittedly, I was curious…) I can stop by tomorrow around 2pm (25 minutes out of my way.)

Second: at dealership next day – why do you want to sell your car

Him: So, why do you want to sell your car?

Me: I don’t. You called me.

Him: Oh, right… If we’re able to get you a great price on it, would you upgrade to a 2013 model?

Me: Is this why I’m here?

Him:  No, no… just wondering…Wait! Weren’t you the one that wanted to buy a Chevy?

Me: Sam. I don’t know what you’re talking about.


Text to boyfriend: Why does car dealership feel like trip to gynecologist

Text from boyfriend: because their hands are in all the wrong holes

Third: 45 minutes later and a thorough examination

Him: The used car manager just needs to sign off on the final offer.  (Reappears 10 minutes later.) …Seems, he’s not working today. Can you come in on Tuesday, when he’s here?

Me: (Dumbfounded exasperation spreading like lava across my face)

Him: I know that’s not the answer you wanted to hear…

Me:  Sam. That is not an answer. That is a problem. No, I cannot come in Tuesday. I will be here Saturday, at 8:30, to service my car.

Him: Oh, that’s right. I start at 11. Could you come in later?  I know…(flashes flirty smile) I should be fired…. I’m sorry.

Last: make it right call

Needless to say, an electrified email sparked a call from the general manager the next day.

GM: ….is there anything we can do?

Me: I’d like a loaner car during while my car gets serviced

GM: Oh, we don’t usually give loaner cars when you come in for service.

Me: Yah, I don’t usually spend 2 hours on a Sunday at your dealership….

Based on the myriad of promises – free service, free gas, free loaner car, I do believe they will make this right.